Things Unseen

It's so weird how the brain can take memories and twist them into something really negative... Thinking about hallucinations: they were so negative and I'm such a positive person.  


I really think that schizophrenia is a spiritual disease.  All my hallucinations were about sin and being exposed.  They were things that no one would normally talk about... It's wild!  Maybe it's because I'm a spiritual person?  The thing is that my catatonic state would ease up after I prayed... Just sayin... If it's not a spiritual disease, prayer wouldn't make a difference.  It's something the Nurse didn't suggest, but I knew to do because of my upbringing.  Prayer is powerful!

Suicide

According to Kevin Caruso at suicide.org, 4 out of 10 people who suffer from schizophrenia attempt to commit suicide; while 1 in 10 people who suffer from schizophrenia die by commiting suicide.  On a Wednesday, June 15th, I almost joined the ranks of those who have committed suicide.  I figured that I was better off being dead than living in a catatonic state.

The method I chose was overdose.  I took over 20 pills of Melatonin and 90 pills of Ativan.  It was the grace of God that saved me.  I took the pills while I was in the shower.  My catatonic state seemed to let up in the evening, which is why I was able to get into the shower at all.  When I came out, my mother asked me to come have a seat.  So, I got dressed and plopped down on the couch - by that time I was SKY HIGH.  My mom asked me what was going on and I told her, "I just took a bunch of pills.  I feel real good!"  That's all I remember.  I blacked out.

My mother tells me that she walked me out to the garage and got me into the car, to take me to the hospital.  She said I was coherent and drank the bottle of charcoal like a champ.  The next thing I remember is waking up in the I.C.U., then in my hospital room.  After 4 days of hospitalization, I was transferred to the psychiatric facility.  I spent a week and a day and a half there.  June 28th I was released.

I got this tatoo the next day to celebrate my new life.  Psalms 23:6  Surely Goodness & Mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of Adonai (The LORD) for ever.

Large Crowds

This evening, I went (by myself) to a Smooth Jazz concert!  I was surprised to not feel any anxiety at all. 


The concert started at 6 p.m., but I arrived 3 hrs. early.  As a result I got the opportunity to meet the band (Lin Rountree, Elan Trotman, Xavier Chisholm, Nathan Mitchell, and Frank Richardson).  They were all humble guys with incredible skill and gifts as musicians.  I'm really blessed to have met them, and I wish them all the best in the Smooth Jazz world.  They're all so talented.

As for my non-anxiety: I really have to give thanks to God for it.  Yes.  I am taking medication, but I don't take anti-anxiety meds anymore.  I believe in the power of prayer, because it works.  Prayer does change things.  I believe in the power in Yeshua's (Jesus') name, and use it regularly.  This has made all the difference for me, and I know it will for you - if only you just put your faith and trust in Him. :-)

Coping With Anxiety

Last night, my city held it's 4th of July celebration and it was spectacular!  Last year, I was at home, but this year was different.


Last year, I avoided everyone.  I didn't even think about being in a crowd of people, until I was invited to go to the Fair.  Anxiety didn't hit me until I got on my first ride.  This is unusual for me, because I love thrill rides.  At the Fair, I was having to coach myself to breathe!  It pretty much sucked all the fun out of the experience...


At the fireworks show, I was doing great until my parents left me by myself.  All of a sudden, I could feel the anxiety creeping up from my stomach.  It went away almost as quick as it arrived.  I don't know what happened.  I must have shot up a quick prayer or something.  I'm so glad it went away, because this was a time of celebration. I was talking to people, just like I had before I became ill.  I don't know what they put in this medicine, but it helped give me my life back!


As soon as the fireworks started I was in awe until the first big BOOM!  I almost jumped out of my skin! lol  As the show went on and the music started, I was at peace again.  Music is really therapeutic.  I think I'll keep my mp3 player around to help me cope with anxiety when I go out alone.

Gnarls Barkley - Crazy

Body & Mind Connection

During my stay at the hospital, I learned so many great skills to take care of my body and mind.  It's not just about taking medications to make you feel better; there are things that we can do to stimulate our minds by using our bodies.

I've always loved being active, but it was not until just recently when I realized the benefits of exercise to promote good mental health.  Exercise releases endorphin (feel good hormones) in the brain.  Anti-depressants helps to keep you from sinking to a low, but exercise gives you a natural high!  Also, it RELEASES STRESS.  If you do it in the morning, it gives you energy through out the day as well.  I know that the meds I take make me a little drowsy, but this takes the edge off for me.  Being catatonic takes a lot out of me and makes my body weak; so I love doing strength training using weights.  Stretching is also very important.  It helps to release tension.  It's best to stretch after the body has been warmed up by doing some exercises like walking in place for 2 - 3 minutes.

The Hospital

I just got back home from being committed, AGAIN.  This is the 3rd time I've had to be committed.  This time, after being catatonic for nearly a week, I'm ready to stay on my meds so that I don't EVER have to go through that again.  I'll share more on this later.  It's been a rough couple of weeks for me; I need a break.  It's so glad to be home!! YAY!  God has been so faithful to me.